Session 7:

As promised, we started the session walking mindfully from the cottage to the loft.  While waiting for the girls to get ready, Su and I were given a short tour of their environment.  We have been there twice before, but never looked at the room itself.

The Room

Before entering, I notice strips of fabric with Velcro.  That was used to protect the girls privacy at night, but allow the staff to look in as they check during the night.  They are locked in their room at 10 PM and opened in the morning.  They can go to the bathroom, escorted and there is some unique system that allows only one door to be opened at a time.  The rooms are open the rest of the time but we did not learn of more rules but I assume they cannot receive visits from others girls, for example.

The room we looked at was not occupied to protect the privacy of the girl.  The size was 12′ x 12′ with a narrow, skinny window looking outside.

 

Ta’s message to Su and myself from Kr


Kr sent us the below note of her appreciation and of Ta’s

Hi-

I know it was a very emotional day. Talaya is such a neat young lady with so much potential . I hope she can get the help that she needs and deserves. When I was sitting with her last night she wanted me to share certain things with staff. This is what she wanted me to share with the two of you. These are her words.

Sharon- You are a good mindfulness instructor. You are a strong woman and have a strong and soothing voice. I appreciate all that you did to try and help me. We need these lessons even when it is hard. I want to work on being kinder to myself and you helped me see that I need to be. Thank you.

Suzanne- I appreciate all that you did for me. You have a kind smile and I know you care about us. I hope you keep doing the group because us girls really need this. I hope to believe in myself like you believed in me. Thank you.

With so many we never know the results of our work. We are often just planting seeds. She could see the kindness that each of you display and she appreciated it, even if it didn’t seem like it.

Thank you for all that you do!! The fact that she identified both of you as someone she wanted me to pass a message onto is a  testament to your hard work and the need for this program!

Now we are left with deep sadness, spontaneous tears, feeling of loss and inability to reach out, for now.  We will ask Kr what we can do.  What is the reality for Ta and for the girls.  I wish I knew the dynamics of how she reacted to others.  What was she feeling, what brought her here, what was her experience with trauma?  Frankly, we never carried the burden of being around her 24/7 and all of the compassion we bring to this situation, cannot in any way help assess what was the right thing to do.  My lessons are:

 

Goodbye, Ta. I hope that you can make a difference in your life as you find people providing you with solutions to your being.

Session VI – Living Deeply

Pre-Meeting:  We were met by the director (Kr) and Jo.  The news was not good.  We already cancelled the one on one meditation meeting, due to something that put her in isolation.  We found out she was placed in the Crisis Prevention Center, upstairs for four days.  Her incidents were escalating, one psychologist feels she might suffer from Schizophrenia.  The sheriff was supposed to pick her and transfer her to the Ramsey County  Juvenile Detention Center.  Tears flowed and it was a tough place to begin our class.  Not knowing their process, nor the details of her placement.  She was a wonderful girl, full of interesting observations.

Kr said Ta loved cats and in fact spent a lot of time talking about all of the cats in her life. And with synchronicity kicking in, I brought a whole book of Cat Zentangles that I found at Wally’s.  I gave it to Kr to give to Ta as she was just going to meet with her and wait for the sheriff to take her to the detention center.  

Art Activity

Went well.  Again, Av tried to ruin her work right after she completed it.  It was wonderful.

Meditation:  Giving and Receiving Compassion

I was hoping this would be an amazing meditation.  Keeping Ta in mind in giving compassion.  I realized as I looked up that each girl was not doing anything.  All with heads up not following at all.  I stopped.  I could not go on.

Check-In

This was engaging.  Reviewing all of the meditations we did and the learning we worked on.  I went through the four things you can do when you are stressed and that was also engaging and held interesting interactions.  Ja was reminded of using her here now stone in a stressful situation.  Ra also said that she used it as well.

Core Values

Also, interesting and something that might have an increasing impact. Ja volunteered to write on the flip chart.  She collected each suggestion and placed it in value or goal.  They clearly had goals in mind and I think understood values.

Ci:  Goal was high school education.

 

My House/My Self

The discussion of Values to My House/My Self is subtle.  I like the transition, it is well done.  However, they were having difficulty at times using the house as a metaphor.  It’s a stretch, its a good curiosity.  One of the staff liked it and I rolled up the Flip Chart and a blank house print for work later in the cottage.

Ja:  “I want to have a business and make money.  I do not want any babies, younger than two years old and no kids over the age of 6.”

Av:  Did not get the practice.  A metaphor was frustrating her.  She threw it away.  I picked it up and then she tore it.  I asked for the pieces and she at first said no and then say okay.

Silver Lining

Ra:  Her knee was shaking and we decided to move on.

My:  Wrote the following, ”

A Pledge to Myself

 

TA Update

Just notified that meditating Tuesday for 1/2 hour with Ta is canceled.  She is being held in the Crisis Intervention Unit and will not be attending the meditation session on Wednesday.

Backing up 6 hours

Lo and I had a brief MFY Coaching call, 33 minutes.  The ability to have such intensive and relevant dialogue transcended the experience from helpful to indispensable.  Lo has the ability to stop me, ask a question,  go into a deeper place of understanding and then make suggestions in not an overbearing way.

So we came up with  a plan for this 1/2 hour+ session.  Any meditation that can be used in a stressful situation.

  • A moment for me
  • Soft, soothing touch.
  • Walking meditation
  • Here now stone

I told her the story about Ja who took her stone with her to a meeting she thought was going to be bad for her and it wasn’t.  But she used it to settle herself down.

This is a good point to review which meditations to use and when.

Back to a meeting with Su, Kr  and myself.  I made the point that my experience teaching changed because she was not in the room.   Ta is going to be assessed.  Ta had slammed her knuckle into the wall and broke it.  We unanimously decided to keep her in the class, as long as she did not disturb the others.

Session V – Self-Esteem and Social Comparison

Self-Compassion, a kinder way of relating to oneself.

ART ACTIVITY

Paper Kinsugi Bowls

This session is complex due to the number of videos and a Power Point.  We got there with enough time to set up, with everything pre-loaded on my computer only to find out it was an old projector and not compatible with my set up.  So fortunately Jo was there and we used her computer and fiddled with the screen with poor resolution.  Not a great way to start but we still did finish when they got there.  Everyone was very helpful.

The bowl activity was a hit and a lot of quiet focus on drawing the lines of the bowls.  Su asked that they be quiet.  Also, Ta was not there.

A Person Just Like Me – Meditation

Went very well, was quiet without Ta.  Su said my voice was amazing and soothing. Then Ta came into the room and the dynamic changed dramatically.

Now I experienced first hand the difference.  Went we checked in on the meditation, Ja was quiet and mad.  Ra and Ma contributed somethings.  I was seeing things from a different lens.

Still the meditation were not successfully transferred to the girls cottage.  This is a big issue but a bit beyond my control.

Self-Esteem Power Point of Images

I prepared a PP with more diverse pictures, mixing beauty and sports.  The first page of the PP had the suggestion to notice sensations arising from this video.  Lots of discussion during, but they were all engaged.  Ja was trying to figure out the message.  Then I put them immediately into groups of two.  Since Ta was there, everyone was kind of spread out.  I let Ja stew, Ma and Au worked on it and Ta & Ra.  Ci and Av together.  Then together as a group was difficult as we were not in a circle, Su was at the end, sharing was tough.  With so much media, I had decided that engaging in the video was the focus and not so much the sharing.

Small groups reported back.  Difficult because of room set up.  We went right into Mark Leary video.

The Cost of Social Comparison

Reviewed key talking points about a sense of separation and measuring up with self-esteem.  Played the Mark Leary video followed up with the Dove video.  Since everything was set up for video it made sense.  the Dove video was compelling and raised a lot of curiosity.  Just to ease the tension I followed that with the TRY video which they all requested to hear a second time.  We then broke into small groups and then larger groups.  Some sharing.  I was a little frustrated but later reflected that this comes in small increments.  They will get it and these images will be a good memory for later on.  Spoke at length with Ja and she said, again, that she did not have issues like this.  Sometimes in sports when she did not perform, she would be mad at herself.  I asked her what that was like.  She did not share much about that.

The Cracked Pot Story

Su read the story and we were in an awkward horseshoe configuration.  As per coaching advise, it was very disruptive at my end.  I asked at the end if it was for anyone else.  Some raised their hands and said they could not hear very well.  Su then asked them to let her know that.  I asked about how they felt when they were distracted and they shared and then asked Ta and she was VERY uncomfortable answering that.  I moved on quickly.

Finishing the ART Project

We skipped the Crossing the Line.  The girls are fidgety and tired.  They love art projects and went into the other room quietly.  They even stayed 15 minutes later as the two girls in CD were picked up there instead of the cottage.

Whew.  Managing ADD girls in prison, videos, a big agenda and inquiry is a big deal.  Shared with one of the staff and we agreed that this definitely is a calling.

The Agenda

Su and Sh Immediate Debrief

In general, girls were open.  The feeling before Ta came back was amazingly quiet and attentive and after was very, very difficult.  The ART activity was quiet.  We had a lot less control as we were not in a circle.  We were disconnected because of chair placement and horseshoe arrangement and video with screen interfering.  Su thought it best not to do inquiry with Ta as she appeared to look mad.  She has concerns about the meditation, “A Moment For Me,” and the phrase, “it is not my fault,” for this group.  Su thought the meditation, “A Person Just Like Me,”  was amazing.  I loved her rendition of what it feels like to compare herself to others.  Using the example of how i felt about her style, was a perfect way to model something in the present.

To do:

  • Find a way to provide meditations.
  • Check on video for session V.
  • Teens of of this demographic imprison may not relate to issues of not being enough. Isn’t that a suburban girl issue?  While they may find themselves feeling inadequate in situations, I don’t think it would be about image as much about poverty, being loved, worldly knowledge, and skin color.  Must discuss with Lo.
  • Ask Lo about “A Moment  For Me,” meditation and the use of, “it’s not your fault.”

 

Coach Debrief of Session 4 & 5

Lo and I skipped the previous week and there was a lot to catch up.  I’m pretty sure she thinks this whole thing is crazy and she is here to support me as much as she can.  Knowing that I do not have a psychology degree, she  is desperately trying to see what she can do to help.  I see her limitations being working with teenage girls in prison and probably working with 100% girls of color.

I told Lo about our plan about disruption. and she suggested something else.  Go back to the girls and ask about how they are experiencing disruption, curiosity around what they are feeling, provide pauses and in general model gentle inquiry.

The reason is the girls are used to resistance from authority and they are asking us to be reduced to authority figures of which they can resist.  that is their pattern.

The teaching practice of asking how they are feeling during a disruptive time or what they are experiencing is a way to break the cycle.  Bottom line is not to give in to removing Ta from the circle but keep it as a teaching point.

Mid-session interviews

Giving direction to listen to, “A moment for me,” and fill out the two feedback forms regarding their experience with the program.

Interview:

Au [Recently received bad news from her family, which led to an incident.  She’s struggling a lot, according to the Kr. ]

“Sessions are too long.  One hour is best.  Her favorite meditation is Body Scan and Compassionate Friend.  She likes to focus on one thing.  She would like more variety.  She likes Art Projects.  She wants each girl to be held accountable.  She is more comfortable as the sessions continue.  She likes mindfulness.”

Ma [We were told she was arguing with Ta a lot.]

“It’s boring. Likes Art Activities. She likes talking in groups of 2. She gets sleepy meditating.  She wants more fun.  She would more modern music selections like John Legand (Sure Fire) and Beyonce (Liberation).  She would like to Zentangle a project together.  They need to do something together.

Ta [She recently received information from the rest of the group and the staff that she is too disruptive.  She became angry and broke her knuckle against the wall.  She is still positive and was pleased that she was not kicked out of meditation class.]

“She wants to meditate outside. She likes movement meditations  like calming yoga.  She wants to practice mindfulness.  She said, “Keep it Straight” She ate mindfully  using celery.  It was not too soft or too hard.  She likes movement.

Av [She missed the first two classes but this did not bother her.  She tried mindfulness eating.  She did not have much to say but was actively looking surprised and interested.  She came back into the room and asked if she could create a meditation and came back a second time saying how excited she was to do this.

Ci [She missed the first session and according to Kr is very happy to be here. ]  She likes meditations.  The pillow was fun.  Group sharing is difficult because some girls will use that against you later on.  That is shy she is so quiet.  The girls can be rough.  She does not feel safe being open.

It bothers her that the girls show such disrespect for us.  They are running over us.  Examples are throwing the talking stick, farting, burping etc.  That makes me mad.  She treats everyone like family and that is not acceptable.

Ja [ She was watching, the movie ‘Drumming.’  Was doing well.  Seems very confident within herself.]

She likes group.  IT is too long.  She likes mindful “games” not just sitting.  Like groups of 2 and roles playing and fun.  She likes mindful eating.  Disrespect for the teachers bothers her, like farting, joking around, and it throws the whole group off.  It someone does that then everyone else cannot concentrate.  We can be firm in asking someone to leave, or give someone a warning.

Ra [Always participates and seems to have a positive attitude.]

The class makes her calm.  She likes the experience.  She likes walking meditation and wants to do it outside.  She gets bored sitting.  She needs to get up and move more.  Maybe between each segment.  She wants more activities.  We need to control the group more.

 

Suzanne and Sharon debrief:

We may have crossed a few boundaries but nothing serious.

We may have a little silent movement between sections.

For the better of the group’s experience, we need to come up with  away to stop the distractions.  We came up with our first trial to deal with this.  This is an experiment.

  1.  If Suzanne or Sharon feel disrupted in our teaching, we will stop and ask the individual to go sit with the staff for five minutes and come back to the circle.
  2. They will be asked to meditate for those five minutes????

 

Session IV Debrief with Kr

A facsimile of the director (Kr).  She is always supportive and calm and very clear about things, only after she asks questions.  We always land on similar conclusions.

The last two weeks have been challenging for the girls.  Ta and Ma are not getting along.  Ta broke her knuckles after everyone in the group told her she was disruptive last week and this week, she vowed to take it easy and be less disruptive.  Kr said she was pleased not to be kicked out of meditation and feels like that was a big success for her.  We are not here to intervene, however, it is nice to know some of the group dynamics, especially before we interview the girls.

Session IV – Self-Compassion

Art Activity

Zentangle doodles of the letter of their name

It’s interesting that several girls asked at the end, what they are going to do with the art project.  Last session we actually did something.  As it, I think it is not showing your art but it is talking about how you felt during the quiet time of art.  Each session starts out a little noisy but each time it is quieter.  Ta has a cast now and asked me to sign it but I did not ask about it.  I see Ci always doing a wonderful job, and she tends to gravitate toward Av, the other new girl.  They are quiet and they do the project really well.  I recall the surprise was Ja doing a beautiful job at zentangle.  Something she did not take seriously in the past.  Su and I went out into the hallway and shared our insecurities and realized that we were lacking in self-compassion.  That was shared a little later, but the girls do not tend to pay much attention to our self-discoveries… but something they do pay attention to.  More on that later.

Opening Meditation:  Loving-Kindness for Ourselves

The girls were about the same.  I tried a tapping exercise to calm them down which I find helpful when I feel stress.  My and Ja looked like they were refusing to meditate but were not disruptive to others.  Check-in later was pretty good and Ja said she really felt the tapping on the top of her head, not painful but she was aware of it strongly.  No one is jumping up and down about l-K.  My opinion is L-K is very hard to do.  I don’t think the girls resonate with it. Talaya liked Su’s meditation vibe.

What’s Going On?

Started with going around the circle.  Each girl read one line of the Principles.  I asked if they wanted to modify them and they add the following:

  • Embrace your thoughts – Participate, no idea is wrong.
  • Be direct.  Use assertive communication.
  • Use your skills.

They all seems to have done one of the suggested mindful practices and answered what it felt like to do this.  Wondering why they said their mind did not wander while brushing their teeth.  One did say she tried eating mindfully and the other said she was too hungry to eat mindfully.  While Ta was criticized, Su and I feel that she does participate more than most and is enthusiastic.  She mentioned she is working on changing her behavior.

Self-Compassion

Some interaction discussion about the three elements of Mindful-Self-Compassion (MSC).  The above flip chart was nice as anything in writing reinforces consistency in the message.

Self-Criticism and Safety

Sponge Bobette and the Inner Critic. A handout with the following points:

The inner critic is trying to keep us safe and protects us, even if it isn’t all that effective.

  • The inner critic motivates ourselves to improve.
  • Helps us behave better and avoid further criticism.
  • Lowers expectations so we don’t disappoint ourselves.
  • Makes other feel better so they like us more.

This was a subtle success, I think.  Especially, the girls dove into behaviors they want to change .  Of the lists I saw, three were exceptional and one was sad.  Below is the image.

 

 

Copy of Flip Chart for Session