Session IV

Loving Kindness Meditations

After the program initiation is done, a solid foundation of what we mean by Mindful Self-Compassion and practices around mindfulness e.g. walking meditation, here-now-stone and resistance we are finally starting the L-K meditations.

This was significant for the girls as it was an intense experience between people. I practiced this ahead of time to smoothly explain how and why one person has eyes closed and the other is eyes open. It has to be done slowly and with intention. By now, they are used to this kind of interaction and I believe like it very much. This practice is so beautifully presented as a child and I wondered if it would trigger trauma. When it was time to talk about their experience, everyone was participating and during inquiry we went around the circle and I asked what they experienced and if it was easier to receive L-K than to give to others. The dialogue was fascinating and engaging. The feeling of not being alone with this experience was also reinforcing the idea of common suffering and humanity.

Keeping this session a focus on L-K, we took a relaxed break as I’m starting to not worry about completing as much as I am interested in making sure everyone is safe and they can have the best experience. Granted there will always be disruption, sessions like these are the best as they are interacting with each other and with the larger group.

We ended with several repetitions of the L_K and finally stood up around the centerpiece and repeated

May I be Happy
May I be Healthy
May I be Safe
May I live my life with ease

Repeated with May We and finally May We All.

Also, changed my directions for Home Practice. Now I print out the instructions and hand them out.

Feed Back Forms (from Session III)

Session III

Prep
My colored card system allowed me to check what I covered the previous session and what was not covered that could be carried forward to the next week. it also allows me to document what I skipped.

The essence of Walking Meditation:

 

Letting Go of Resistance
This is from session 2 and it was good to delay as this is an important teaching that I repeated throughout each session.  I know I myself forget about it.

The formula is Suffering = Pain x  Resistance.

What are the examples of resistance?  It seemed that it was easier to come prepared with examples and I believe this was one of those powerful teachings that raised awareness but not much participation.  I knew this because they were all quiet, a very unusual occurrence.   The first lesson is we all experience suffering.  Suffering is a tough word to use as it does not feel like the right one.  I want to use the word, but I already know that my suffering is a lot different that these girls are experiencing.

I had a dialogue with Ca about suffering.  She said we are locked up here and that is suffering and I said, well a lot of people suffer in a non-physical way and are completely free to go where they want.

Anyway, suffering increases with resistance and we are blind to holding on for something else.  If we are able to practice self-compassion and mindfulness it will help us release from our suffering.  That what we resist, persists.

Reflection Exercise:
Writing down a situation in your life where you feel that resisting reality was making things worse. Working in pairs always goes well. I was not clear and a staff member could not share as I did not emphasize we were going to share.  The youngest members, To and Ka were paired with Mr. Gi and they always struggled but I think they were able to make meaningful progress.

It seems like this exercise could be very powerful for these teens knowing that they have been involved highly traumatic situations.  However, it was my impression that they liked the exercise and were working with what they wrote down and having no problem sharing.

Affectionate  Breathing (from session II):
Per a suggestion I picked up from a zoom session, I used Palm Up and Palm Down gestures for this exercise.  It did not seem to create quiet minds.  As I learned in in MFY, teens like more concrete meditations.  What I did learn is the follow up something not working with something they would like.  And we followed with Soles of Your Feet.

Walking Meditation:
They loved this and we were still in the large room.  An liked it as she followed me where I walked.  I stopped at 10 minutes and again this confirms that teens were about done in this time.

Loving-Kindness Meditation
I ended with  the L-K meditation as an introduction and they loved the mantra-like rhythm it created.

 

 

Session II

I'm back. Still interested with the experience and the possibilities.

Seating Chart:
Worked on a colorful seating chart and shared with Kr. She made a few changes and they turned out to be perfect. Separating the older girls was key. I prepped for hours 4 or 5 days ahead of the session. Copying each page of the program and placing that on the color-coated cards. This second session was in this large room. We moved all of the tables and set up twelve chairs. I printed out adhesive labels with the girls first name and the staff by the last names preceded by Mr. or Miss.

They came in tired and wandering and unfocused. It was decided to let the girls have their snacks before our session began. The room was big so their was not much intimacy. Learning about starting with an art project once they arrive would have made each session begin so much better. Also, once we used the smaller room, we also noticed a much better, quieter result but battled with heat in the room, also an impediment to a calmer experience. And fully expecting that it was never going to be calm, without interruptions and having their full attention.

The image I had of Ka finding her soothing touch gesture of holding her face with both hands and To petting her forearm like she would a cat kept me going. If the youngest were already finding something of value then I was sure each girl would find one thing out of the five days that would last them into their adulthood.

Light the Candle and Soft Landing:
This is as much about calming myself as with the group.

One Word Check-In
Great way to start the session. This is the first time I realized the individual personalities and the deep integrity each girl had. Nothing superfluous here. Ca in most cases said, "Boring."

Quick review from the flip chart about Mindful Self-Compassion and Soothing Touch and Self-Compassion break.

Talking Stick:
There is so much talking and not listening. There was much need for a talking stick so I went to the Native American store to buy one and found a small, round natural rattle. This was introduced as a way we were going to speak. Fully expecting a rough start I got one but gradually it improved. As one girl would get the principle, they would help the others to follow.
This gets more interesting however and an important learning about myself.

Diversity:
This section was from session I but there was not enough time nor quiet to take it in. I practiced this session a lot and felt it in my bones. It became my mantra.

Everyone belongs - Everyone has a voice - Everyone is more alike than not alike.

It was when I said everyone had a voice that Ca interrupted me talking about something, I can't remember but it led the whole group to erupt. I asked Ca to wait for the talking stick and I did not notice but she was holding it in her hand. The words I chose to use, made her angry and she shut down and threw the gourd to the ground and it opened a hole where the beads fell out. While later this became a silver lining story, once we were done with that section, I apologized to Ca but describing what i said and then she nodded to me. An, said to me that was a nice apology. I explained it was not about me but that I appreciate her saying that.

Soles of the Feet
Going by Dr. Chris Germer's advice, I shifted the program around the situation and started Souls of the Feet. Movement was important and retrospectively, learning from Dr. Bluth, teens love this meditation. Also realizing it was not my role to discipline the group, and the best thing I could do was to do the meditation with them and I did. As always, nothing was ever quiet like adults. They will always be one girl being disruptive but it had a good vibe and calmed things down well.

Here Now Stone
I must have realized that these concrete meditation were working as this is an alternative meditation offered in the adult program but was repeated twice as a favorite. I stopped at the Science Museum to add more stones to my collection and passed them around on a wooden tray. To was wildly excited and they all wanted to know what the stones were. As the tray was being passed everyone took quality time looking at the stones and I could start to comment on what they were doing. When I've doing this before, I always call this their meditation stone. A stone that they can have to keep and remind them of this practice.

Home Practice - Mindfulness in Daily Life:
This was repeated the second week. It was fun to introduce and use examples with the use of the flip chart but not until session IV did I realize the importance of writing out the Home Practice on a piece of paper and handing it out to them.

Practices from the adult program I left out:
* Affectionate breathing
* Poetry
* Extroverts versus Introverts

 

Key Learnings and Debrief with Kr:
* Be diligent about seat assignments
* Be flexible about breaks.  Take them when it feels right.
* We need to make our own Talking Sticks.

Session I

The girls walked in with the staff, six girls and 4 staff. Mr.G was new, and Miss D, Miss Wi and Miss Da. The first thing I realized is I had the name tags pre-printed and needed to id who was who. The set up they were going to have a half-hour snack time before we started. They were getting flavored water and crunchy snacks like pretzels in a pouch. When Ca entered the room she saw the set up and probably me and said, "Oh, I know what this is. Do I have to? I want to go back." Everyone was milling around in this large room and i was handing out name tags and introducing myself. At this time I did not know anyone by name and also engaged a little with the staff and those I remembered from a previous meeting.

This was not a great start but as the sessions went on, while this improved and eventually the girls would come up and sit in circle, it was never a good transition. I'm so glad to have learned about the art time at the beginning. That would have settled them down a little.

As we finally got everyone to sit in the circle I breathed in and out a few times. I was prepared to not be in control and would work with what I had. What I would find out rather quickly was a principle i was going to be challenged on for the good of the individual and for the good of the group. Mr. G. a rather new staff member through out the session was going to be my nemesis, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

To begin with we did not separate the girls.  They were tired and had every reaction against coming into the circle. Ja, who later became a wonderful student, laid on her stomach and Ma wandered around.  It was pretty chaotic and I did not react.  I let them go and after the break they were able to change their behavior since the content of what we were doing was getting interesting.

Instead of a soft landing for the first session, MSC asks for an opening meditation. My practice was to be in meditation as I was giving it. I had no choice so therefore, I looked up maybe two times to see, some girls with eyes closed and some open and sitting there and some giggling and trying to disrupt the others. This ratio would improve but Ca would never do anything but look out into nowhere.

On the girls behalf, no one told them what I was doing and what to expect. So I started with that. Going around the circle, introducing ourselves, name what have you experience with meditation or what do you know about it. Ja did breathing, Ca slept, An did yoga, MA no response, Kr gratitude practice, To yoga and the rest I did not record.It would take me until session III to know everyone's name and their personality. A crack I need to fill with gold. At least when I finally know someone, it is a deep connection.

Developing guiding principles for the group. This worked as each girl wrote down, "How would I like to be treated," and "How would I like to treat others," to feel comfortable and safe.  Each participant [includes staff] gave input that went onto a flip chart. Everyone had something to say and it started to pull together the group. I found emphasizing that this was created by 'us' started to feel empowering.  This list was developed by the group, reviewed and eventually we printed it out for everyone to sign and keep.  Remind everyone that we will break the rules but the importance of being aware of when it happens and to bring us back to the rules we aspire to.  [note to self.  They did not hear you say this when you said it.  Attention spans are short at the end of the session.  Plan on it.]

Read David Whyte's, "Start Close In."  I lost them completely.  The guidance of "trusting your own experience and go slow,"  might have been memorable.

How Do I Treat a Friend?

Think about a time when you've had a close friend who was suffering and think about a time when you were suffering.

Broke into groups and the sound of each trio sharing was great.  I had my first challenge with Ma going to the corner of the room.  I joined Ma and we were just getting started with her sharing a wonderful story about her close friend, smiling and Mr. C [staff] came to join us and the dynamic dramatically changed.  He wanted to immediately give her a mark and then I told him how the dynamic changed when he approached and if it would be okay if he did not join us.  He was okay with that.  Mr. C. always had a lot to share about his experiences in meditation and always took the exercises seriously.  He was new, he wanted to use the demerit system which I was avoiding during these sessions and the girls were having difficulty with his methods that worked for boys but not the girls.  In a later debrief I was told his methods caused the girls to react strongly.  We got back together to debrief and Ma was still wandering but the sharing was good as it always is after small groups.

Flip Chart Review of What is Mindful Self-Compassion?  

 

Ended with Soothing Touch and Self Compassion Break

Ended with these two meditations and observed how powerful it was.  Ka the youngest, 13, was thrilled as well as To, also 13.  Ka continued to use this throughout when she wanted to calm herself. this also became the Home Practice for the week.

What did I skip?

  • Didactic of 9 talking points.
  • Poetry.
  • Self-compassion versus self-esteem.

Learnings this week:

  •  Empower, involve and include the girls in what happens whenever possible.
  • Must have assigned seating... not empowering but a necessity to limit engaging in distractions between the girls.
  •  Writing on paper before sharing works really well.  I think there is a curiosity of what each girl said.
  • Poetry did not seem to work.  Look into more relevant poetry.  They are interested in poetry written by the HCPS (adult prison system).
  • Stay centered, listen deeply and reflect.
  • This kind of involvement seems like such a gift.

Pre-session I

The direction I received in my pre-zoom consultation session with Chris Germer was to not worry too much about staying in order. I thought a lot about teaching with the book in front of me and quickly thinking it would get confusing jumping around. I decided to use colored 4″ x 7″ cards. Each color representing (a) meditation (b) didactic information (c) poetry (d) an exercise and (e) home practice. So prior to this first session, I made a photo-copy of each of these activities eliminating background information from the book and taped that to the card. Then as I prepped for the session, I pulled out each card, reviewed the content and practiced glancing from the card. This all fit into a small file so when I was done with the session, I would check the cards I had completed and those that I did not, to be used at the next session.

The class consisted of six girls: MK (who left after session 3), To (age 12), Ka (12 -13), Ca (14-16), AN (14-16), Ja (14-16). AFter MK left, Ta started in session 5. Being a new girl with an active mouth, she spend several sessions in a lock down situation. I just received their names the day before our first session. Nothing but their names was provied.

Set Up: I arrived two hours ahead of our start time. The head of staff, Kr, would meet me at security and escort me in the building. We were occupying a large room for the first two sessions and then move on to a smaller room. The facility is spotless and everything is modern. We would move the tables away and set up chairs in a circle. We had twelve chairs. Kr always had good advice and she said it worked best if the girls alternated with a staff member.

I used an old centerpiece with a rug and electric candle.